Trust in Him

I remember looking up at the x-rays while the doctor tried to explain the problem and how he needed to fix it. I remember asking does she have to have the surgery...if shes going to live...was the answer... so I handed over my nine week old to a stranger and trusted for her healing...and I had to hand over my nine month old to a stranger again...trusting a surgeon for her healing...but I don't want to do that anymore...i have to trust Him more...I want to trust Him for her healing...He is not a stranger...He is her maker... her creator...and He knows how to heal her...

Psalm 139:13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

This doctor take so long listening to her chest. The tests are already over and I'm waiting...waiting for the news...she is still listening and I have a growing sick feeling...She pulls out a drawing of a heart and begins to explain how it works...blood first coming in on the right side...breathe...I realize I'm holding my breath...I'm trying to stay in control...she just said no surgery right now...I breathe...those were the sweetest words right then in that moment.
Of course the best words would have been...oops! false alarm...so sorry and we will even refund the copay-haha...but...those words didn't come. Only a description of how our hearts were designed to pump blood through our bodies...her body...and with every single beat blood is leaking where it shouldn't and her valve is missing a part...those were the words I heard...and I was crushed...absolutely crushed.

I can't imagine...no... I can't even remember our lives before her. She is my baby princess...God's gift to us...an example of His grace towards me...such a gift...a baby girl...He wouldn't take away such a grace gift...He is good and His mercy endures forever...He is good and He hears the cries of His people.

Pray for a creative miracle to be done in her heart...please pray...as if it was your child...pray

a heavy heart...

doctor's offices are all alike...a long rectangle with loud paper...and the waiting, and waiting.
you think once your name is called your on your way...but no...you wait in here, this small, cold room with one chair and that loud paper on the rectangle. this all seems trivial in hindsight but these memories I have, every moment I remember in these rooms...these rooms i have grown to dislike sooo much...always the deliverer of news i don't want to hear...moments i don't want to know...
these rooms, if they could speak, would share the joyous news of an expectant mom and the test results that shows remission in an otherwise healthy person...the positive is easily shared and rejoiced in...but these rooms, if they could speak, would also share sorrows, sobs, and confusion. i imagine the walls groan with news waiting to be released...or forgotten...

sometimes I am heavy with sorrow and wish to release news with groans and loud sobs of confusion...and then He comes near, I feel Him near and He whispers come... come to me... and so I've been hiding...hiding in Him. not sure what to say or not say, share or not, but at least I'm in Him.